Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
