Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
