hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
