I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
