I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
