If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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