she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize