I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
