there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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