I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
