best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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