Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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