i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize