he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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