Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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