i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
