You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
