anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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