Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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