I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
