I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
