Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
