Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Houston, we have a squirter
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
