They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize