You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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