i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
