Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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