I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
