i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize