I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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