3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Please, let me fuck your mom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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