I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
