I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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