walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize