i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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