he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
