come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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