Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize