Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
