just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
