I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
