i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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