god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
