theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
