rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
