We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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