i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
