A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
