We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
