So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
