Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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