Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
