In the future we'll all be gay
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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