There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
