So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
