I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
As shirtless as possible
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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