That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
