Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
