i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
