Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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